Lissa's thoughts
by I Love Dimitri Belikov
Summary: One-shot of Lissa's thoughts when Rose left at the end of Shadow Kiss.


**Hi guys!**

**I hope you like! Tell me what you think!**

****

**Tal :-)**

* * *

Your back is the only thing I can see through my tearing eyes. I'm standing here paralyzed at the end of the academy, in front of the open gates that are now slowly closing. Helpless. So, so helpless.

I keep calling your name, hoping that you might listen to me and come back to be with me, to protect me. But you won't. I know you won't, thirteen years of friendship proves me that. Because I know you Rose, I know who you are. And exactly for that reason I need to free you and let you go. Because that's what you need, what you want. For the first time in your life.

But I can't stop hoping, can't stop hoping that you will stay with me. There is still a selfish part of me that refuses to let you go, it is furious about your choice, about your abandonment. Because you abandoned me, Rose. You chose him over me, and it hurts.

I keep trembling and sobbing while the pain in me grows. So much had happened to you and I was blind, I didn't see. Deep in my world, in my love that had blinded me to you, to your feelings, to your thoughts. I'm sorry Rose. I should have knows, should have been there next to you, just like you were always there for me.

If I knew I could have helped, if I knew I **would** have helped. Who knows what you have been through all those months. The pain, the disappointment. And maybe, just maybe, the moments of joy and happiness you felt when you were together.

And now? Now he is far from you, he isn't the person you knew, the person you loved. He is a monster, just like the monsters you were trained to destroy.

Why didn't you tell me Rose? I can't stop thinking about it. Why didn't you tell me? And with every thought, my anger about you grows. How could you hide so much from me? Why would you? Don't you trust me? I'm your best friend.

"_It's not about you, okay? This time, it's about me. Not you. All my life, Lissa… All my life, it has been the same. __**They come first.**__ I've lived my life for you. I've trained to be your shadow, but you know what? I want to come first. I need to take care of myself for once. I'm tired of looking out for everyone else and having to put aside what I want. Dimitri and I did that, and look what happened. He's gone. I'll never hold him again. Now I owe it to him to do it. I'm sorry if it hurts you, but it's my choice!"_

I fall on the ground when you words hit me again, powerful and painful than ever. What you feel, your thoughts, your wills… I can't even imagine them. I will never know you in one hundred percent. Like you know me, every part in my soul.

"_I need you. He's dead Rose."_

I know he's not dead, but if he had died, everything would have been easier. You would have stayed at the academy, stayed with me. You would have become my guardian and we would move on, recovering from Dimitri's death. But it will never happen, because he's not dead and not alive. He's worst than that, and you won't stop chasing after him 'till you'll kill him. Free his soul from the darkness it is in. Just like he asked you to.

The gates are finally closing and the guardians in the watch tower are looking at me with sadness, my pathetic figure reflects in their eyes. I know it's pointless. Pointless to keep lying on the ground in front of the closed gates, pointless to keep crying over you, to keep calling you to come back, because it won't help, you will not come back for me, but I can't stop trying to make you see some sense despite the fact that you are not here anymore.

You are far away from me, farther than ever. I can feel the part in my heart that belongs to you slowly ripping from my chest.

Because from the moment you left, a part of me left with you. I know I will never be the same person again and I know you won't be either. Because, even after what you said to me today, I know that you love me.

I don't know why, but I can't stop thinking about you Rose. Actually, I do know why.

Because you are my best friend. You are like my sister. You are the only family I've got left. And now, You are leaving me too…

Goodbye Rose, I'll miss you.

* * *

**R&R!**


End file.
